Mood:  don't ask

A year ago, I set out to lose weight.  I have done really well. I have lost 90lbs.  Okay lets get honest here, I HAD lost 90lbs. But its creeping back.

Christmas came - but that was only an excuse really, a handle on which to hang the fact that I haven't really been all that good for a lot of weeks now.

The only trouble with all this is, that everyone thinks I am so together, and have it all cracked, and that there is no way that I would be struggling.  And my pride is such that I cannot tell them that I cannot get through one day....not a day - not even half a day, despite my best attempts to do so.

Sigh. I seriously need to be accountable to someone-someplace, who has nothing to do with the place I currently do all my weight loss journalling, It doesnt even have to be a someone who's name I know, it just has to be a public statement of what I am doing, otherwise I just feel so totally dishonest, that it drives me to eat even more.

 I need to be able to make a serious committment to come here - to tell it how it really is, not the fibbing I have been doing - even if its only by omission at the other place.

 So Okay - I told them I had it planned today - and I did - until about five minutes ago, when I went to get my lunch and found my face in the fridge..

Instead of the 500 calories I planned I ate the following -

4 slices of bread with reaaaaaaaaaally thick butter on them. A whole avocado - much bigger than normal, but it said it was 30% less fat variety - that it may well have been, but it was also 3 x bigger than normal - some trade off that is. 2 huge slices of ham, and a couple of spoons of Branston Pickle..........that was lunch.  Sigh -- and I feel bad - especially as I was soooooo effing determined to do it properly today.

I am sitting here at three in the afternoon in the same clothes i slept in last night - I havent even done my hair - my son has been out and come back in, and my husband will be back shortly too - but still I sit here. Sigh.

Quite why I have let things get back to this sorry state I have no idea.

I think its probably because I thought I could do this healthy living stuff, and now I find with the slightest provocation I am still quite capable of shoving my face into food and not coming up for air till I am forced to.

 But I dont want it to be like this. I want to get a grip again.  I am not quite sure how to do it, except just to do it, and I am finding that reaaaaaaally hard to do.

I suppose there is a slight depression hanging around - not that I suffer from depression at all - its just that my failure always knocks me for six, and I find it an absolutel struggle to get straight again - but........

that is all negative -- I can hear its negative, and I need to be more positive.

So ok - lets scratch today -- I know that isnt the best way to do it - but it feels right at the minute, and plan how on earth I can have a reasonable day tomorrow.

I can and MUST do THESE THINGS.

I must come here....to this place, and get honest - if I cant do it at the other place.

I must plan my food, and not try to stick to it - but stick to it. Thats it, I am not going to say about exercise or water - its all tooooo much at the minute, I am going to go with 3 planned meals, no snacks. Thats it -

If I feel tempted, I am going to scream myself into submission in my head!!I simply will NOT do it. I will read the paper, play rs, read a book, stitch, watch TV, sleep, go for a walk - anything rather than eat.

I am making a committment again - I have done it -- I know I can committ to doing it, I have proven it to myself. So here it is then - the committment to come here - every day - until such time as I am back into the swing of things in the other place.

Sujalove.